Welcome to “the 305,” where our “winters” make the rest of the country jealous, our coffee is strong, and our people are beautiful. It’s no secret that everyone wants to visit Miami, but like any city, living here can mean its fair share of annoyances (not that we'd trade it for anywhere else). Among the endless pool parties, there are things that every Miamian would like to (occasionally) escape. We rounded up 17 of the most common complaints.
Sending our NYC friends pictures from the beach in January, while they’re putting on seven sweaters and a peacoat to take out the trash? Priceless. Spending hours in front of the mirror to look like a runway model, only to walk outside and turn into a wet dog by the time you reach your Uber? Worth whatever the hell it costs to travel somewhere without humidity.
It’s a thing. We natives can’t explain it and Miami transplants rarely accept it, but if you invite us over for dinner at 7pm, we will show up at 8pm. With the appetizers. We may accept our bad habits, but visit another city and be reminded that punctuality can be oddly refreshing… especially at restaurants, where it doesn’t take a waitress 45 minutes to remember to bring your menus.
PEOPLE WHO WORK OUT ALL THE TIME
When you live in a place where it’s beach season year-round, the gym is a way of life. It also means half your Instagram feed is just friends finding any excuse to show you they do CrossFit.
PARKING ON MIAMI BEACH
Drive around for an hour to find parking cheaper than valet, then end up paying the valet anyway because your reservation was an hour ago and you’re over it.
Blinkers are optional. Changing lanes like you’re the only person on US 1, even when it’s rush hour, is not. Speaking of which...
Construction. Tourists. Bad Miami drivers. Construction. That Uber driver who can’t find you. Construction. The reason is irrelevant -- just know that if you try to drive anywhere, anytime except 1pm on a Tuesday, you will be bumper-to-bumper for at least an hour.
RUDE, SELF-OBSESSED PEOPLE
Our people know they look good... and are shameless about keeping up with the competition. Get in the way of a sprinkle-pool Instagram moment at the Museum of Ice Cream, and you might just get chased down Collins Avenue.
To the masses of college students who make the beach impossible to go to in March and April: Your fake, post-2010 Four Lokos and Tide Pods are not welcome here. Nor are your Uber surge prices.
Those $18 sous-vide bacalao crêpes with lime-green seafoam and dehydrated olives look great -- except when all you really want is a bread basket or a plate of croquetas.
Does anyone even know what they’re building on the Palmetto anymore?
BANDWAGON SPORTS FANS
“I have season tickets to all the Heat games because they are the best team on Earth and God bless Wade County and I will forever pledge my loyalt-- oh, LeBron left? When’s the first Dolphins game, again?”
Here, bro, everyone speaks Spanglish, we make up words like “irregardless,” and it’s commonplace to randomly yell “dale.” Dah-laaaay! Sometimes, not every conversation needs to sound like a Pitbull song.
EVERYONE PRETENDING TO HAVE MONEY
That guy with the Lamborghini lives with his abuela in West Kendall and will walk your dog for gas money.
REALLY HIGH RENT PRICES
The only way to avoid paying less than $1,300/month for a 600 square-foot, 1-bedroom apartment (with one laundry machine for the whole building) is to move to Hialeah. Or Homestead, where the money you’re saving in rent just goes to gas money because you’re 45 minutes away from… anything. What I’m saying is, maybe Lamborghini guy has it figured out.
THE DATING SCENE
You never hear anyone say they’re going to Miami to “settle down.” You DO hear them say they’re going to Miami to "meet hot chicks at the Clevelander” or see them slide into your DMs with the ever-hopeful “Ayyyyy mami.”
DRIVE FASTER, GRANDMA, WE ALREADY HAVE A TRAFFIC PROBLEM.
After the party, it’s the hotel lobby, where you meet a guy with a table at LIV, take him to Better Days, and somehow end up on the sand at 21st and Collins drinking rosé at sunrise. On a Wednesday. It’s fun when you visit, but when you live in a place where the partying never stops, plowing through lines of tourists to pay $20 for a vodka soda gets old fast. Netflix and pajama Fridays, amiright?